Engagement Party!

Mom and Dad took Bill and me and Katie and Scott to dinner at the Melting Pot to celebrate our engagement. It was a lot of fun. We had this cozy little room all to ourselves and they brought us a four course fondue dinner. THe filet mingnon and the lamb in the coq au vin fondue pot was perfect. For dessert we had cheesecake, strawberries, Marshmallows, bananas, pineapple, pound cake and brownies to dip in dark chocolate and Kirsch, milk chocolate carmel and pecan flambe, and a yin yang of dark and white chocolate. Oooh yummy. Thank you Mom and Dad.

SIghtseeing

Monday - Mom and I went shopping and picked out a new sink for her kitchen. We had lunch at Einstein's bagels and discussed theology and the apocrypha. I reglazed the ham for dinner. Yummy.

Tuesday - My dear brother, Scott, and I went shopping together. We went thrifting, where I procured a giant papercutter and a taxidermied frog. We had lunch at a mediocre Chinese restaurant and then he took me to Horsefeathers. Scott referred to it as a "hippie" store. It was a great import store. They had wonderful jewelry that sparkled. I had fun and spent money. Scott was amazed and appalled at the same time. THen we had drinks at "Its all Good" and headed home. The whole family went to dinner at Portillos (hot dog restaurant) and then saw Harry Potter at the IMax. It was great. On the way home Katie's boyfriend called to tell her he wasn't going to be able to see her while he was in Chicago (I think he needs to prioritize and Katie needs to kick his sorry ass). So she is a little down. Romance is such a pain in the ass. Keeps you in a tangle.

Today - Scott and I are adventuring to Skokie (WIsconsin?) to go to the Nickel arcade and Trader Joes where I will search for the elusive "2 buck Chuck" a fine wine that sells for $2.00/bottle. Scott M. may join us so I will have a day with two 16 year old Scotts. (Change of plans, I watched HGTV today and relaxed. No trips anywhere.)
Bill and Dad put in a sink yesterday and today are adding can lights to the kitchen.

Happy Holidays!
Congratulations Tashia on your new job!

OUT!

I awoke to hearing the dog rustle paper on the floor.

"Out!" I yelled, "Get the dog out of here! Oh, it's Mom. sorry."
Several minutes later it Riley jumped into bed with Kate and I and according to rumor it was, "Get the damn dog out of the bed."

I had a great Christmas, I got a pink shirt, a beautiful red cashmere sweater set, Dance Revolution for PS2 Eye Toy, a book, a necklace, earrings, a metal word, $40 bucks, a nerf gun that shoots discs, darts and balls, a studly cowboy calendar, a foot spa, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, financing for my jewelry studio, a scarf, bubble bath, lotion, chocolate, and more money. I am looking forward to ordering all kinds of tools for my studio. It was a rewarding season of giving.

We are off to Christmas morning church, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good lunch feast."

I am on Holiday!

Today was my last day of work for this year. Bill and I leave for Chicago tomorrow. We won't be back in Texas until January 3, 4, or 5. Personally, I would just like to stay in Chicago. Merry Christmas! Happy Other Holidays! Joy Noel!

Scare on the Square

Well, I have sufficiently recovered from my Scare on the Square experience to share without my blood pressure going up, my heart pounding heavily or my adrenaline bouncing around.

I LOST THE FREAKING WINDOW PAINTING CONTEST!

I didn't even place.

The Rules of the contest were to incorporate SFA homecoming and Halloween using the theme "So Good It's Scary". I will give Second and Third place their dues, they were good and I knew it was just up to the judge which of us would take first place. I am okay with losing to the Heart of Texas and The House of Versailles, they had had wonderful windows.

I am not okay with losing to Commercial Bank. When the prizes were given, the presenter went on and on about how creative the winner was, how the winner had won several years in a row. How intricate and involved their theme was. I was sitting there wondering what window I had missed because none of the windows were as good as this guy made them sound. He then presented first place to the bank. I was stunned.

The bank (paid artist) had painted a scarecrow and some pumpkins on its windows. (no halloween, no homecoming)

It was insulting to everyone who entered the competition.

Boss Man in his striped orange pajamas!

I Could Have Said This

"To me, knowing how to wash dishes is a totally useless skill. I don't want the romance of our relationship marred by the image of me sweating over a steaming sink, which is why I always retire to the living room to read and finish my wine while he cleans up."

-Janette Barber, humorist and humanitarian

King Kong - 2005

Wow! That was a great movie. Natashia, Bill and I went today. I laughed, screamed, and cried. (I'm sure that Natashia was embarrassed for me) I can't help but scream when a giant centipede is sticking its antenae in the girl's mouth, and the bugs, bugs, and more bugs. Eww. I am also famous for crying at anything even slightly emotional, death, loss, hallmark commercials.

Going beyond the action and mayhem, this movie has wonderful depth. It shows so many characteristics of man. Beauty, hate, greed, love, cowardice. Brilliant, not your typical monster movie.

I am left wondering what became of Ann Darrow after she witnessed the destruction of Kong. How would you move forward from something that amazing? What became of her life? Personally, I kind of thought she should have jumped, but since this wasn't a love story between a woman and an ape, she got to throw herself into the arms of the writer.

Go see the movie, you will definately get your money's worth.

Congratulations

My good friend Natashia graduated today from SFA with a 4.0 GPA Summa cum Laude. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Published!

I have been published on another blog. Hooray! My evil influence is spreading.

Another Hippo for my collection

I want a Dr. Pepper

Bill and I were at a Christian retreat recently when orders came to evacuate. Apparently it was the end of the world and we were being attacked by giant aliens who liked to eat metal. After careful consideration, we decided that the best place to hide would be a small island with no refined metal.

We built a hut out of bamboo, our furniture had pegs instead of nails, we got rid of all shoes and clothing that had metal in them so that the aliens couldn't sense us and wouldn't bother with us. After hiding out for a considerable length of time during a hurricane. I decided to go to the mainland to get some supplies (I had heard that the aliens were defeated). I went by the retreat center, which had only five survivors out of the 200 that had stayed, and dropped Bill off to see what he could salvage, then I headed to the grocery store. I walked into the HEB and it looked just like it had looked right before Hurricane Rita, the shelves were pretty bare. I went along and grabbed what I could.

When I got to the soda aisle, I saw one 12-pack of Dr. Pepper hidden in the back of the cold beer case. As I grabbed the box of sodas, I heard a commotion up front, two of the giant aliens (they looked like big slugs) were still alive and had crashed into the store. They were headed for the metal grocery shelves and were shooting lasers from their eyes. I left my cart and ran to the front of the store and checked out my Dr. Pepper. One of the giant slugs was blocking the front of the store.

After considering my options I ran for the back emergency exit figuring it was okay if the alarms were set off by my departure. I jumped in my red MR2 and headed home. As I was driving down the highway toward the washed out portion of road, I remembered Bill telling me that I had to reach 78mph to make the jump over the missing highway and get to the island.

After landing safely and hiding the car, I headed for the hut to have a Dr. Pepper confident that the slugs couldn't reach me because the ocean is full of salt and we all know what happens when you pour salt on a slug.

The phone rang a few minutes later and I woke up.

Breakfast with your friends

I got to work at 7:50 on Saturday to try and catch up with the book keeping and do payroll. Bill and Natashia came by around 10 and decided we would go and have breakfast at Mr. Wills. As Tashia is driving us to breakfast she announces, "I am kidnapping y'all. After breakfast, we are going to the blood center to donate blood for my mother." I am feeling generous and say, "Ok, that will be great." Tashia buys us a hearty breakfast of biscuits, sausage, eggs, and homefries and takes us to the Blood Center.

I am trying to remain calm since the last time I went to give blood, my pulse rate was too high. I guess I was nervous then, because 15 years ago when I gave blood the first time I had a big bruise on my arm and I passed out in the shower.

Well, the "nurse" comes out and says who would like to go first. "I will" (lets get this over with I am thinking) she takes me into a private room and pricks my finger (I always dread this because it hurts like hell to have your finger pricked), they have this new thing that does it fast and it doesn't hurt at all. Then I answer the fifty questions about sex with men having sex with men in Borneo and I am taken to the chair.

"Which arm do you prefer?" I have no idea so she says, "I will check both for the best arm." The sadistic woman then puts a band on my arm and pulls tightly throwing all of her weight into it. I am gasping in pain. She rubs on my arm to find the vein and says, "Let's try the other arm" I am thinking God, once is enough. She puts the band on the other arm and throws her weight into it again. I am trying not to gasp in pain. She quickly decides to go back to the first arm and apply the third tourniquet of terror. The band goes on and she pulls down on the strap so hard she is squatting on the floor as she fastens it.

I am in mortal pain thinking "Oh God this hurts" and trying to remain calm.

She rubs and pats on my arm where the vein is and says "now we just have to get this vein back up." I am grimacing because my arm is being severed by the tourniquet. She gets this iodine stick and pushes it really hard into the place where my vein is. It feels like I have been punctured. Then she does it again, she is apparently making an impression on my skin where she will stick the needle.

Tashia looks at me and says, "It's going to be OK Lisa" I smile and think about when it will be over.

Finally, Nurse Ratchett picks up the needle and inserts it. My arm is already in so much pain that a needle prick is nothing. She adjusts the needle a few times and finally releases the tourniquet. I squeeze the ball and watch Will and Grace on the TV. After crappy juice and cookies and the offer of a free calendar we all leave and go to the Condo and take a nap.

Two days later I still have a bruise from the tourniquet, deep muscle pain, needle marks, and a bruise around the vein. I am NEVER donating my blood again.

The Perfect Complaint

I have found a great web site. The complaint generator at http://www.pakin.org/complaint. You just enter the name of of the source of your anguish and voila!

Sample the following completely random complaint about my dear sister's alma mater:

Asbury College has recently made a number of people very, very angry, including me. However, as anger serves no function in a successful rebuttal, I will simply state objectively that ignoring this letter can be considered an admission of guilt on Asbury College's part. What follows is a series of remarks addressed to the readers of this letter and to Asbury College itself. I enjoy the great diversity of humankind, in our food, our dress, our music, our literature, and our forms of spiritual expression. What I don't enjoy are Asbury College's mutinous crotchets which supplant national heroes with chthonic, fork-tongued nobodies. That's all I have time now to write. If you want to get more insight into Asbury College's mentality, though, then study the details of its homilies. Try to see the big picture: It will amaze you. It will take your breath away. And it will convince you that I sometimes feel like Asbury College has forced us into a danse macabre with its rebarbative epigrams leading us to the grave.

I have a new office

I guess I have been demoted. I no longer get the mail or faxes, I have nothing to with calendaring, I am completely out of the loop. My red stapler and I have been moved to the back office. The very back office. Boss Man told me he wants me to do the book keeping now. He says "you have a head for numbers, I think you will be happier doing this, I think you would make a great accountant."

I am being punished because I told him that I refused to do written discovery any more.

Doing discovery meant that I would compile the clients answers, create the document and wait. I would get an extension and wait, I would get another extension and wait. BM does not like to discovery and I do not like to nag and wait.

I am losing power, I am melting, I am melting.

The funny thing is, I am still writing petitions, motions, solving every problem in the office and answering everyone's questions. I am not doing discovery. I guess I can make time for bookkeeping too.

I like my new office, I can't hear BM's drawling and guffawing. I am starting to feel honest and clean again. The ringer on my phone is broken so I don't notice outside calls. It is peaceful. I told the receptionist to give calls for the BM's "legal assistant/paralegal/secretary" to the new guy.

Cymbalta makes everything better.

Job Hunting Again.

Okay, I am looking for another job. BM called at 9:30 on Sunday morning to request my presence at work at 3:00 that day. Fortunately, I had already "left for Tyler to go shopping with Natashia." He had a staff person call my home at 3:30 to find out where I was and then he came by personally to ring the doorbell, beat on the door and finally leave a note requesting my presence at the office. Thank God I don't have a cell phone. This morning I was given a 100 page legal assignment to create by 5:00 today (which I finished at 12:45 during my lunch). Unfortunately my co-workers who had the assignment last week while I was out sick did Jack @#$%. BM is bound to get worse as a critical deadline nears and he is unprepared as usual. I am waiting for a spectacular breakdown to occur in the next two weeks. I just hope he doesn't come in and shoot us all.

Today is the first day of December. Hooray! I hope that soon I will be able to pursue my art career full-time. My therapist asked me if I was going to look for another job. I said, "No, I am going to build a reputation as an artist." Why get another job that I am not going to like anyway.

I have decided on what I want to be when I grow up. It is not easy and I may be a spectacular failure, but this is what I want to do. I want to be in charge. I don't like working for other people. I don't like rules. I get bored easily. I have no intention of ever taking another job just for a paycheck. I might work part-time somewhere, but I doubt it.

She doesn't work here anymore!

A former employee, you know who you are, stopped by the office today to get her final paycheck. Boss Man comes in and begins asking her about this case and that case and when she can do this and when she can do that. She tells him she is way too busy finishing her last semester at school.

A few minutes later, BM says, "Where's ________?"
I said, "She doesn't work here anymore."
He seemed astonished and said something to the effect of we need her here, noone else can do this stuff, how could she leave us in the lurch.

She told him in September he needed to replace her, she tried to train two other people to replace her (who didn't work out for whatever reason) and finally gave her notice. She hasn't worked here for two weeks.

Happy Thanksgiving

Greetings from Dallas!

Today started off with a bang. Waffles for breakfast and then family argument 1) Where is Aunt Georgia spending Thanksgiving? Georgia - "I just said I was invited to spend it with Jason and Maria, I didn't say I was going to go." Pops - "Ah hell, she said she was going to Jason's and I said, 'well good for you'. If you hadn't called her, we would have left her behind." After we determined that Georgia was indeed going to lunch with us we headed to Cracker Barrel for our traditional mediocre Thanksgiving lunch. The restaurant was crowded with lazy people who don't cook and the usual nasty smokers who ruin every family restaurant in Texas.
Later today, after the Cowboys lost spectacularly, came family argument 2) Pops controls the TV, "If Bill wants to watch Survivor, he can go in the back bedroom, so what should we watch Lisa?"
And finally after cherry pie, pizza, and pecan pie came family argument 3) "Lisa are you going to eat all night? I don't want the kitchen dirty late, I have to turn on the dishwasher and you don't know how."

God I love my family, they make life so much fun. Next year we are having thanksgiving in Nacogdoches. Bill and I will prepare all of the food and everyone can just show up. We will get satellite and several TVs just for that day so no one has to go to a back bedroom. Aunt Georgia has already been invited. Katie and Scott can do the dishes.

I get no respect!

"I like Natashia, Natashia is nice, but Lisa gets in your face, she would tell a cow how to eat the cabbage" - Boss Man

I am doomed to be the bossy mean one. I think it is because I am a tall brunette who looks you in the eye and speaks plainly. Natashia is tiny and has light brown hair, she even has a sweet voice and she makes chocolated chip cookies and remembers peoples birthdays. but I know the truth, she is ruthless. She is also one of my best friends.

Our Endless Numbered Days

I really like this CD by Iron and Wine. It sounds like Cymbalta makes me feel. Relaxed, happy and optimistic, while real life is still happening around me.

The Old Lisa is Back!

I missed my Altace and my Cymbalta this weekend. As a result, the cynical, angry, aggressive version of me reared her ugly head. I was behind one of those super cautious annoying drivers who stop on yellow arrows on East Starr. In a red haze, I zoomed past them on the left (wrong side of the road) and turned left onto Mound Street. It felt soo good. I continued muttering obscenities under my breath as I got behind another cautious person going 17mph in a school zone. God, you can go 20, I don't think you're going to kill anyone. I have also had flashes of insight such as, "this horror is the way life really is, the drugs just make everything rosy," as well as, "its a conspiracy, the drugs make me docile and willing to conform to the strictures of corporate America."

I have missed 1 1/2 days of work trying to get my insanity under control. Boss Man's voice alone makes my skin crawl. I am finally calming down a bit. I went to my "therapy" appointment today (even though it isn't until the week after Thanksgiving) and relaxed and read a book for a while.

Black Licorice

I took the Icelandic gift of black licorice to work to share with my colleagues. I passed out pieces of the delicate candy, one piece stuffed with marzipan and shaped like a tootsie roll and a piece of the more traditional rope licorice.

Moses popped it in his mouth, chewed, swallowed and said, "It's all right."

Sarita took a tentative bite of the rope licorice. Apparently her mouth began to cramp badly because she was forced to spit the repulsive candy in the trash can. She tried the marzipan and licorice next. She said this one was even worse.

Travis tried the candy and stated, "It tastes like ass."

I couldn't agree more.

Since Elvira searches my desk daily for candy, she had already tried it. Ha Ha, serves her right.

I woke up screaming in pain because of a massive leg cramp. What a way to start the day!

I need to find a new job, but I don't want to make the effort. I really don't want a traditional job. I don't like sitting at a desk all day with no windows to look out.

I want to be an artist. I am an artist.

I want to have a cup of coffee in the mornings as I sketch out and research my ideas. I want to experience the joy and pain of unloading kilns full of beauty and crap. I like to see my work displayed lovingly in someone's home, or worn to a special occasion.

I love to watch people when they look at my work. Whether they smile or frown, I like to see a reaction.

Instead, I am a paralegal in a personal injury law firm. I still have a sketchbook, just not time actually create what I am thinking about. I will change this. I will move forward. I will be an artist.

Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me
I can make like a turtle and dive for pearls in the sea
-Donovan

Time

"We need to file these lawsuits ahead of time...probably"
-Boss Man

"We will sell no wine before it's time"
-Earnest and Julio Gallo

"We will file no lawsuit before it's time"
-Boss Man

Animal Quotes

"I'm straining an ant and swallowing a camel."
"These are not big cases, these are ants that are biting me around the ankle."
"Tight as a duck's butt."
"The steps in the forestry building are slicker than owl poop. I almost busted my ass."
"This squirrel has jumped three trees and there's no getting a shot at it now."

-Boss Man, proud owner of a Master's Degree in English

Quotes for the Day

"We've got to hang in here and fly this thing."
"I'll be a co-pilot instead of a passenger this time."
"I need a parachute, I need to to jump out of this airplane."

-Boss Man (overheard in a staff meeting)

I am that lady over there

Look at that lady over there...

I count the rotations slowly, "one, two, three, four, five," My stomach starts to clench, "six" I feel the hot warm liquid rising to my throat. I quickly place my hand over my mouth. I am hanging upside down. I feel the vomit fill my mouth, I am wondering "will I have to swallow this?" The vomit keeps coming filling my hand. The car pauses as it changes directions and I fling the vile mess out into space.

A pretty teenager is sitting across from Bill. She is smiling and excited. As the ride begins, she is chattering happily, Bill notices her eyes get big and thinks, "Ha ha, she is scared." Bill looks at the stars and is having a great time whirling and flying upside down.

He hears someone say, "look at that lady over there, she is throwing up."

Bill thinks to himself, "Oh no, I hope it isn't Hofy."

As I sit next to Bill, I am linking eyes with the horrified teenager, I think, "It is over, the worst has past." The car pauses and changes directions, I can no longer control my bodily reactions and I throw up all over myself. I watch the vomit flying through the air in misery.

Bill finally turns to me, his beloved, and sees the truth, "Oh, I am so sorry"

The ride comes to a halt, the teenager vanishes. I sit in my seat stunned and dirty. The carnival men come along, "Get the bucket, its the same seat again."

As I leave the ride, I see a crowd of gawkers and someone shouts, "THERE'S THE LADY THAT THREW UP."

I've got the Power!

Power was restored on Thursday after I emailed every state and federal agency I could think of. My guests departed for their own homes and I had three days to prepare for the next set of visitors.

Holmfridur (Hofy) and Kelli came to visit this month. They are from Iceland. They brought chocolate.

Hofy brought dried fish, which I haven't been brave enough to try yet, licorice, and pictures of Bill and his family when he was little. He was so cute. I will post some of them soon for your side-splitting viewing pleasure.

My Icelandic word/phrase for the day sounds like "colon dying" with a Swedish accent. I have no idea how to spell it or where to get the special accented letters I would need, but it means "good morning".

Deep East Texas Electric Co-op

It will be four weeks before the rural areas of Nacogdoches have power. We need help! I will have house guests for 4 weeks! TXU has almost finished restoring power in town, but the co-op is understaffed and slow! Call 1-866-392-2547 to complain about the power outage, have your account number and meter number ready! Their website is www.deepeast.com. Write your congressman!

Made in Japan 

Art Deco Hippos 

Feisty woman that Rita

Hurricane Rita blew through Nacogdoches this weekend. We lost hundreds of trees and all of the rich people are without power and sweating because it is hot! The thermometer is in the high 90s and the high humidity makes it feel like 104. Even though we are Texans, we are not used to heat, we hide indoors all summer and enjoy the airconditioning. We venture out in the evenings when the sun no longer beats down on us.

So far everyone is okay, we have no gas, but some restarants are open and Wal-Mart is open. I will have company for about two more weeks since the rural areas take so long to get power back.

Since I don't live in an established wealthy neighborhood or the outback, I have electricity, a swimming pool, and AC. It is great.

It's Official!

Bill called my Dad last night and asked for his blessing on our marriage. This is my beautiful engagement/wedding ring. It was made in the 1920's and is a beautiful example of the Art Deco period. I love it!

This one arrived Monday. A saucy fellow with a great attitude. 

A boy and a girl arrived today! 

Interviewing

I used to hate interviewers who asked ridiculous questions like "What is your favorite color? Why are manhole covers round? What kind of animal would you be?" So in the spirit of fun, I added "What kind of animal would you be?" to the list of interview questions I pose to potential employees. The results are astonishing:

"I would be a dog."
"Why?"
"Well, I have 72 of them that I have adopted and take care of at my home."

"I would be a cat."
"Why?"
"I believe I was a cat in a previous life. You know, reincarnation, I think this because I like to take naps in the sun. But I'm not catty ."

"I would be a bird, a bird of prey, not only so I could kill things, but so I wouldn't be killed"
"Do you like to kill things?"

Here is number 5 isn't it cute! 

Here is the newest member of my collection!

He arrived from China today!

Why can't we love Monday?

Sonic no longer serves Sausage on a Stick. The most brilliant breakfast food ever created. I love foods on sticks.

I managed to contain my grief well enough so thatI didn't swear at the Sonic Girl, but I wanted to. Instead I told her they really needed to stop changing their menu and drove off.

(no more: mango island fireburger, curly spicy fries, sausage on a stick, and they are always out of freakin' bananas and ice tea).

Teeth and Goldfish

I have recurrent themes in my dreams.

I am acting out the plot in my dream and my teeth begin to get really loose and wiggly and/or they fall out. I carry them around in my hand for the rest of night or else in a glass of ice water so that the dentist can put them back in for me. (my grandmother had this dream alot, too.)


I also have places I visit over and over. There is an underground cavern in my condo, Bill's house has extra wings that I keep finding, My condo is by the ocean, my parents house is on a mountain and is three stories instead of two with secret rooms of course. I always accept these places as home or correct. I have dreamed them so many times that they are familiar.

My pet gold fish swim in the air.

Then the usual cars with no brakes, going back to highschool and not knowing your schedule, flying, and being in shape enough to run marathons.

Oh yeah, and the ground is covered in poisonous snakes and I have to step very carefully.

The Decemberists and the Dresden Dolls

I try to listen to music outside of my comfort zone. To accomplish this, my sister purchases music for me and sends me CDs to play at work. Personally, I like the the music she chooses. Katie's tastes cover a wide variety of styles and she does a pretty good job picking stuff I like.

Kristin said the Decmberists sounded like I was being attacked by a band of gypsys.

BM said the lady on Dresden Dolls "sounded like someone had a hold on his privates wailing."

I told him tuneful music was out of style.

Oh well, to each his own.

I am a Gen-Xer!

"My email address is bozo underscore, hit the shift key and key next to the zero, you know it looks like a long low line, texas@hotmail.com"

"I understand."

"You know, an underscore is that long line at the bottom, the key next to the zero."

"Yes sir, I have it. I will send it right a way"

(All e-mail addresses have been changed to protect superior minds.)

Retraction

Ok, I take it back. I was just thanked by someone I helped.

It just gets hard when people call me up and complain because I haven't gotten their car repaired or their case moved faster than the speed of light or given them money to plan their child's wedding (as if a car wreck made them unable to afford a wedding). I am all goodness and sunshine to these people, I am polite, concerned and considerate and they turn around a bitch at me. I usually tell them to take it up with BM, but it irritates me because I bend over backward to be accommodating.

But this is what I really want to say, "Take charge of your own life, get a job, save money, find a way, lawsuits are not a sure thing."

Doo Doo Gooder

I have decided that helping people can be summed up in a simple analogy.

Some helpless/injured people are earthworms that we carefully scoop out of the dirt, take to the sink and rinse off while they poo their dirty little hearts out, and then when they are clean, we place them back into the dirt.

I am no longer an indiscriminate doogooder. I officially dislike the world.

Life in Hell

I got a hug and a kiss from BM today. So did Tashia.

I keep looking for a new job, but no one will pay me as much.

I am a sell out.

Descriptions

His new title is "retarded poop throwing monkey boy".

Monday

BM came into my office today and roared, "I have a hearing tomorrow and it isn't written in my (blue spiral bound hand written) calendar."

I calmly stated, "You have been out of town for three weeks, how could we have filled it in?" Then I looked at the computer and confirmed the hearing.

Compello

As an expression of my insanity, I have become a collector.

I will purchase one for each week that I continue at my present job.

I have three so far.

I have tried to get some on Ebay, but the snipers come along in the last few seconds and take them away.

I am going to fill the shelves in my office with them. The law books will be boxed up and moved out.

Unless I quit.

George is so sexy! I love my president. 

Beyond the Call of Duty

We are having a meeting in the conference room this morning and BM (boss man) starts scratching his foot and complaining that it itches. I offer to get him the hydrocortisone cream that I keep in my desk for insect bites, but he is a tough man and says, "No, I don't need any." He takes a call, takes his shoe off and sits scratching his foot and whining.

Being the efficient problem solver, I go to my office and get the cream. I walk up to him holding the tube to squeeze into his hand so that he can apply it to his itchy foot. He raises his foot so I can apply it. Bleaugh. He has the scaliest, most disgusting sole I think I have ever seen. I squirt the tube and run.

I don't know if I will recover.

Ever.

Elvis Lives!

I gazed at her face in panic. She was speaking very loudly, "I've never met a stranger who didn't like Elvis"
"You have now," I thought. I try to smile politely and act interested.
"I saw the real Elvis three times in Vegas," she shouts inches from my face, not looking at me but past me into some unknown realm, "I've also seen Priscilla, Lisa Marie, and Nicholas Cage." She begins stroking my arm with her manicured hands. It's as if her nails are still wet, she holds her fingertips in the air and strokes my forearm with her palms. She makes brief eye contact and looks off again. "I'm god-mother to his children... and he's a Christian."

Later that same evening....

Bill and I return to our seats only to find them occupied. "Excuse me," I say, "you are in our seats, we have been sitting here all evening."
"Well, someone took our seats."
I am stunned, "So you are going to take our seats?"
"We were sitting over there and someone took our seats." He is actually decent looking and the woman with him is attractive.
" And you think its right to take our seats?"
"Someone took our seats so we sat over here."
"So you are just going to take our seats" I am incredulous.
"Well, no one was sitting here."
"We got up for intermission!"
"So did we and someone took our seats"
"So you are going to take our seats!" Blood is pounding in my ears.
"Well I guess we are just going to leave!" He gets up angrily and takes his woman with him.
"I think that's a good idea."

I won!

The deification of Elvis is a troubling thing...

The Blueberry Festival was a lot of fun this year. I paid a dollar to have Bill's hair painted orange. He went all over town with orange hair Saturday because he forgot what he looked like. It was pretty funny. "Dr. Tony" (aka Brad Maule) from General Hospital gave me his autograph. I won a purple grasshopper pull toy, a peg game, a marble game, a stadium cup and a water bottle. I petted Elsie the cow, she is so pretty and well behaved. I asked the trainers with her if she was on any kind of sedative. They said no, it was just the heat. There was a pet parade with dogs and cats and a ferret. The ferret was dressed up like a bunch of blueberries. One of the dogs was a giant blueberry. It was pretty cute.

I ate Blueberry pancakes, a blueberry scone, ice cream, chicken on a stick, an egg roll, funnel cake, kettle corn, lemonade, coffee, soda, and lots of water all between 7:45 a.m. and 12:00 p.m. I love festivals.

1st Place. "Blueberries are from heaven" 

3rd Place.  

4th Place. 

5th Place. I love this window 

judex non potest esse testis in propria causa

Bill, Kristin G. and I painted the windows of the office for the Blueberry Festival window decorating contest. We did a roaring twenties theme with lots of blueberries. It took 3 people 16 hours in 99 degree weather. People are coming by and taking photos in front of the windows and posing like they are dancing too. It is so cute.

We won second place.

The first place prize went to a paper mache slice of blueberry pie floating among clouds.

I think I am suffering from sour blueberries.

Bang! Bang! My blueberry shot me down. 

Boss Man 

Shake a leg! 

Swanky gams! 

Blueberry Blues 

Lis mota

I am here.